The Should Have Beens

Today should have been my 7th wedding anniversary, but here I am on June 18, 2018 not 7 years married, but 4 months divorced. My heart races as I actually type that sentence. I never dreamed for a minute that would be how life turned out. This is for sure not the story I would have ever written. I thought I had an amazing marriage. I had prayed and fasted fervently before choosing a husband. I had such peace and assurance from the Lord that this was ordained by Him. We had gone through significant trauma together in the first 18 months of marriage that I thought had only strengthened our marriage and brought us closer to God and each other.  I had dreamed of growing old together, watching our kids grow up, and changing the world through the ministry God would give us.  It's how it should have been, but not how it is. Lately, all the "should have beens" have been racing through my mind like a dramatic movie.

         Last Monday was my son's 4th birthday. I hosted a big party for him with his friends and family. His  dad should have been there helping hang the streamers that are too tall for me to reach. His dad should have been the one wrestling with him in the bounce house and throwing him up in delight.  My son should have had his complete and unbroken family there celebrating his amazing life. However, that's not what is. Instead, he got a picture in the mail and a 15 minute phone call from the dad that used to be his best friend, but who he is now just desperately trying to hold onto a memory of.

          Father's Day was yesterday. Of course, it didn't take long to see so many wives posting about their amazing husbands saying beautiful sentiments such as " we are so blessed to have such a godly man leading our family" or "this man works so hard to provide for and love our family . He is the best". That should have been me. In fact that was me, just two short years ago. Yesterday my boys and I should have been making daddy his coffee and surprising him with fun handmade gifts and a night out at the ballpark. Instead, my boys sent him a card in the mail last week and waited for their 15 minute phone call, that can only keep their attention for 5 of those minutes.  My boys should have been proudly declaring to their friends "my daddy is a pastor who helps people", but instead they are unsure of how to speak of their daddy who lives in Texas and is jail because of "bad decisions". 

        My heart breaks when I begin to list all the "should have beens"in my own life. I should have been traveling overseas doing mission work. I should have been still doing ministry. I should have been over this PTSD by now. I should have been still living in Texas.I should have been married to my best friend "until death do us part". However, It doesn't take long for me to look around to the people in my life and know that I am not alone in these feelings. My best friend should have been celebrating her daughter's third birthday on Saturday, but instead she was at the cemetery honoring her daughter's memory and the third anniversary of her being with Jesus. A mentor and close friend of mine should have been enjoying the beginning of summer break with her family of six, but instead she found herself in a doctor's office facing a double mastectomy, months of chemo and an unsure prognosis.I have good friends who "should have been" pregnant by now, but months have turned into years and they are still waiting for the gift of motherhood. I am sure all of us, no matter our age or our current circumstances, have things in our lives that have turned out a different way than we ever planned and not for the better. It's hard to accept the reality of where life has taken us sometimes. Everyone's "should have beens" look different. Maybe you should have been married by now or you should have gotten a better job. Some of you should have been caring for and raising children by now, but your arms are empty. Refugees around the world should have been able to stay in their home countries safe from fear of violence. Victims of domestic violence should have been protected by those who claimed they cared so much. Children who have suffered abuse should have been able to enjoy the innocence of childhood. The list could go on, but the point is that we live in a very broken world.  Life often doesn't feel very fair. We don't get to write our own story no matter how much we want to.

      So how do I as a person of deep faith reconcile these intense feelings of loss with the understanding that I serve a sovereign God who is in control of all circumstances and allowed these events to enter my life? I have wrestled intently with that question for nearly 6 years now. I certainly don't have it all figured out. In fact I have realized the older I get and the more suffering that comes my way, the less theology I actually know. That used to  scare me, but I now know that its okay and it's actually a good thing. What I will say is that I have learned two very important things through all my "should have beens". First, I am all the more confident in the care and love of Jesus. He is so good and kind. He doesn't scoff or get upset when you come to him with your "should have beens" list. He is heartbroken over the brokenness all the same. I know he weeps with me over a broken marriage. I know he weeps with me over my sons struggling to understand why their daddy isn't in their life. I know he weeps with me when the PTSD comes in strong and I cannot escape it. Jesus loves the broken and the vulnerable. We see his compassion for the hurting all throughout the Gospels; the woman at the well, the bleeding woman, Mary and Martha, and Jairus are just a few examples. This same Jesus is alive and well and desires to enter into our pain with us. This bring incredible comfort to me, and I hope it does the same for you.

      The second thing that I have learned, is that God is always redeeming our "should have beens". When we bring those unfilled expectations to him, he can use them to do amazing things with our lives.  Our good good father takes  brokenness and makes something beautiful and unexpected out of it. Sometimes we just have to lift our eyes up out of the grief to find the beauty. I think of the story of Joseph. So much evil was done to him, and God allowed it all to happen, however God meant it all for good. There is so much here that I cannot understand. I am sure Joseph felt lonely and forgotten. I am sure he had his "should have been" list while he was sitting in a cold dungeon with criminals. though if you finish the book of Genesis we know God uses all of Joseph's pain and suffering in an incredible way to save a multitude of people. There was a bigger picture here that he couldn't see, but he continued to trust. The truth is I don't yet know what the bigger picture looks like in my life and maybe you don't either. We can place our hope in that he is making all things new (Rev 21:15). 

      Saint Augustine has a quote that says "Trust the past to God's mercy, trust the present to God's love and trust the future to God's providence. This quote has been pinned on my bathroom mirror for nearly a year now. It has actually become my answer to that most difficult question I have wrestled with. So what is your "should have been" that you are grieving right now?  We are most certainly allowed to grieve these "should have beens" We don't need to toss those feelings out and count them as faithless..There is a time for mourning. We can hold the pain of the loss and confusion in one hand, but yet at the same time hold tightly to a hope and faith in a loving God in the other.