Cry of My Heart

It's Christmastime! Its the most wonderful time of the year!  This is a season I have just fallen more and more in love with over the years. I have always enjoyed the festivities of the holiday yet my level of enjoyment increased dramatically after beginning to date Dan during the holidays in 2008. Now every year since then I can fondly think of the memories of us just getting to know each other. I remember the nerves and excitement that came with each moment together, watching Christmas movies, going to see Christmas lights, and skiing. I had no idea what our future would hold but there was something incredibly intriguing about being around this man. Then in 2010, my excitement about the holidays heightened once again as Dan got down on one knee in front of a beautiful 40ft Christmas Tree and asked me to be his wife. I look back to that year and remember the elation at the real prospect of beginning a life forever with him and entering into this very new and very exciting stage of

          It's hard to believe that one year has passed since my attack. Everything has changed. My life was turned upside down last September 8th. This has been the hardest year of my life by far. As I sat down to reflect on how to write a blog to commemorate this anniversary, so many thoughts and ideas came to my mind that I had a hard time organizing them into a focused and concise blog thus resulting in a hodgepodge of thoughts thrown together! Enjoy!         I have spent much of this past week reminiscing about the memories that surrounded last September. Although there are so many graphic and painful memories that flood my mind, I am also encouraged by those that are positive and joyful. I must hold on to and remember the ways that God protected me and provided for me. Last December I wrote a blog listing out the miracles that I have found through the tragedy. If you haven't read that yet, here is the link http://ashleyeballard.blogspot.com/2012/12/finding-purpose-in-pa

Being real  with God. It just makes sense. He can read every thought and knows every emotion. He created our beings and knows the inner workings of our heart, mind and soul. He knows we are finite and He is infinite, yet why do we feel like we have got to have all the right theological answers and responses when calamity comes our way? Over the last year I've been faced with two major trials in my life. God has been revealing to me more and more that I need to break down all the barriers and come to Him broken and without answers. It's okay to be really real! I'm allowed to ask hard questions and be frustrated and confused by the answer or lack of answers. In fact, I am supposed to be. The last year has taken a lot of my theology and tested it and broken it (see previous entry Broken Theology). I've experienced a lot of pain and heartache and for sometime I thought I needed to have it all together. I wanted to understand everything biblically and accurately. I was enc

            Today is my 27th birthday. I have always loved birthdays and thought they were special. I have always celebrated my birthday by reflecting on the past year of my life. However this birthday feels different than all the others. This year I appreciate my birthday more than ever before. Maybe this is because I understand, in a more complex way, the beauty of life. I understand that birthdays are never a guarantee. I understand that every year, every month, every week and every day of life is truly a gift from God that we far too often take for granted. I am hit by the reality that I could not have made it to this birthday. My number could have been up at 26. The truth is though that reality has been true every year of my life, this is the first year I have truly contemplated it and not taken it for granted. During my 26th year, I lost the life of our precious baby and nearly lost my own life as well. How much more so do I realize that life is beautiful and to be treasured? 

Definition of Fear: An unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.             I have experienced this unpleasant emotion way too often in the past months. I had begun to think that I had conquered fear and that I was on an upswing in that area. However I began new counseling in April and through this counseling I quickly discovered that fear still had a strong grip on my life. Through much talking, I learned that I am most fearful of what could happen to me in the future. I found myself saying "that I could never handle anything like this again" . I found myself saying " There is no way I would be prepared or strong enough to go through another traumatizing experience". It occurred to me that I have absolutely no control over and no guarantee that I will not have anything else happen to me again. This thought paralyzed me with fear.  However, God reminded me of a conversation that my husband an

Being married has been the most amazing blessing that has ever come into my life. My husband is my best friend in the whole world. He has always served and loved me, but since the days of my attack I have learned even more about what the love of Christ means through the way that Dan loves me. I have shared my heart and what God has shown me through this experience, however I was not alone in it. Praise be to God, my husband Dan has stayed by my side through it all. Both of us thought it might be beneficial if he shared his perspective and how God has been leading Him through this time. Here are his words..........          For a while now, I have wanted to share my heart and what God has been showing me over these past months.  You all have been following Ashley share from her perspective, but I feel that as a husband I have a unique perspective to share.           Last September, our lives were changed forever.  I could have never imagined that life could be so hard, or that God is

           I've always considered myself of having a solid theology, a good understanding of the attributes of God. I know that He is faithful, omnipotent, sovereign, holy, full of goodness and mercy, and the list could go on. It's easy to say good theology  and to speak of these attributes of God when all is well in your life. Its also easy when things are going wrong in a friend or family members life. We are always ready to throw Bible verses and cliches their way so that way we can pat ourselves on the back and feel like we have offered something hopeful without truly listening or investing into that person. This is how I have operated so many times over the years with people I know.           Over the past 6 months God has been breaking my theology down in a way of challenging/forcing me to stop "saying" things but to dig deeper and truly believe them as truth in my own life and circumstances. This has not been easy. I absolutely believe and know that God uses s

         This morning I received a text message from my mother asking me to pray for a missionary family who lives near my hometown. She said yesterday, Valentine's Day, a man came into their house and shot and killed the wife and mother of three young children. I immediately was crushed and heartbroken. Such a tragedy! I understand that God is sovereign and in control of all things, but sometimes its difficult to grasp when things like this happen. My thoughts immediately went to when I was attacked. This story could easily have been my story. I began to question God. Why didn't the man who attacked me bring a gun? Why was I allowed to survive such an ordeal but this mother of three young children was not? Emotions overwhelmed me, and I began to think about the pain that this family must be going through today. What will bring them peace?          My mind was all over the place this morning but finally God rested it in these thoughts. What brought me through my time of great

         Someone recommended to me to read the autobiography of Helen Roseveare as an encouragement to me. I am blown away by this woman's story and perseverance.  She was a medical  missionary to the Belgian Congo (DRC  today) in the 1960's and was kidnapped by rebel soldiers, beaten and brutally raped. She escaped and returned to the Congo a year later to serve the people who had persecuted her. What an incredible testimony this woman has. Her story has inspired me in unimaginable ways. As I read her story I found several similarities to my own story. It was if she was speaking right to my own heart. In her book, she says she felt like God spoke to her and said this " Can you thank me for trusting you with this experience, even if I never tell you why?" This question is powerful and I feel as if God has asked me the same question. He has trusted me with this experience of being a victim of assault and rape, and now how am I going to respond? Am I being a good s

A new year brings new hopes, new dreams, new anticipations about what this year may hold for us. We all look expectantly at the year 2013 and pray that its our best yet. Resolutions are made in attempts to "do better' this year. We hope for great blessings, peace and prosperity. We hope for our families to be loved deeper, protected and comforted more than ever. We pray away any suffering that might touch us or our loved ones. This is natural. This is to be expected of our human nature. Who would look expectantly for trials and hardships that may befall them in the coming year?  However all of us as believers of Jesus Christ are called to a life of pain and suffering. It makes us become more like our beloved Savior. So even though the trials are painful, we should be expecting them to come into our lives to mold us and change us for His glory. I Peter 4:12-13 says Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happ