Cry of My Heart

Today should have been my 7th wedding anniversary, but here I am on June 18, 2018 not 7 years married, but 4 months divorced. My heart races as I actually type that sentence. I never dreamed for a minute that would be how life turned out. This is for sure not the story I would have ever written. I thought I had an amazing marriage. I had prayed and fasted fervently before choosing a husband. I had such peace and assurance from the Lord that this was ordained by Him. We had gone through significant trauma together in the first 18 months of marriage that I thought had only strengthened our marriage and brought us closer to God and each other.  I had dreamed of growing old together, watching our kids grow up, and changing the world through the ministry God would give us.  It's how it should have been, but not how it is. Lately, all the "should have beens" have been racing through my mind like a dramatic movie.          Last Monday was my son's 4th birthday. I hosted a

           Is all this really worth it? Is it worth all this pain and heartbreak? Is it worth my broken marriage and family? Is it worth all the loneliness and fear?  What if my battle with PTSD and anxiety never go away, is that worth it? Is there actual purpose to all of this chaos and brokenness? God, where are you redeeming any of it? I read your word and follow your will, yet do you actually sincerely care for me and my situation right now? Are you even listening with compassionate ears? Is this just some cruel test you are giving me? How am I supposed to keep living this way?  Let me be honest, I am regretful to say that all of these thoughts and questions were coming from me just two weeks ago. In the quietness of the midnight hour, I sat alone at my kitchen table staring blankly into my She Reads Truth Bible with tears streaming down my face. I "knew" all the right answers. For goodness sake, I have 2 Corinthians 4:17 taped to my bathroom mirror. Every morning I wak