One Year Later.

          It's hard to believe that one year has passed since my attack. Everything has changed. My life was turned upside down last September 8th. This has been the hardest year of my life by far. As I sat down to reflect on how to write a blog to commemorate this anniversary, so many thoughts and ideas came to my mind that I had a hard time organizing them into a focused and concise blog thus resulting in a hodgepodge of thoughts thrown together! Enjoy!
        I have spent much of this past week reminiscing about the memories that surrounded last September. Although there are so many graphic and painful memories that flood my mind, I am also encouraged by those that are positive and joyful. I must hold on to and remember the ways that God protected me and provided for me. Last December I wrote a blog listing out the miracles that I have found through the tragedy. If you haven't read that yet, here is the link
http://ashleyeballard.blogspot.com/2012/12/finding-purpose-in-pain-list-of-miracles.html.
.It is a good for me to read these often and continue to add to the list throughout the year. May God be glorified for all that He has accomplished through the last year and what he will continue to do.

           One of the things that has really helped me in my healing is hearing how others have dealt with their grief and sadness in the midst of this trial. .A really close friend of Dan and I opened up to me recently about his experience dealing with the knowledge of my attack. He was angry with God, like really angry. He struggled immensely for the first few weeks. So much so, that one day he left church and began yelling at God. As he wrestled with God, he was led to Psalm 73:21-22 which says "When my soul was embittered, when I was pricked at heart, I was brutish and ignorant. I was like a beast toward you.".  He felt God rebuke him and speak to him by saying "You don't know me". At that time, he walked out of the room and agreed with God, he for sure didn't know a God who would let something like this happen. He felt extremely discouraged as he is a discipleship pastor and his job was leading people to know God better, and now God had told him that he didn't even know him. He soon realized that God has given him a new and bigger view of who He is. Of course we don't know God. His ways are not our ways and His thoughts are not our thoughts. We will never understand why God chooses to allow the things that he does. He is God. He is all knowing and all powerful. I am human. I am finite and know very little. Just like my friend, I am encouraged by this statement, "You don't know Me". I don't know Him and why he allowed this man to commit such violence against me, but I must learn to trust Him despite this.
The next verses in Psalm 73 say "Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive to glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing I desire on earth besides you". How beautiful and gracious is our God that His response to our anger and ignorance is compassion, guidance and acceptance?!

 * I am thankful to this friend for being open and honest with me about his emotions regarding my attack. I would love if others would be willing to do the same. If you are reading this blog and have been impacted by my story or God has taught you a life lesson through it, please message me and let me know! I would love to be encouraged by you.
       

 God is leading me on this journey, and step by step He is bringing me healing. So how am I commemorating this one year anniversary? The reality is that this day could have gone very differently one year ago. My family and friends could just as easily be mourning the one year anniversary of my death this weekend. That being said, my husband and I are very much aware of the beauty of the gift of life. This weekend we plan to celebrate the life that God has given me and the life that God has allowed  us to have together for at least one more year. It should be a celebration of survival and the love and support that has been showered over us this past year. So lastly, I wanted to say a heartfelt THANK YOU to all of you who have prayed for me and supported me over this last year. I seriously could not have done this without you. I encourage you to take this weekend and join me by celebrating the life that God has given you.