Cry of My Heart

       November is a month where we as a nation are focused on thankfulness. At this time we give thanks for all of our blessings that we may experience and take for granted throughout the rest of the year. We thank God for our family, friends, jobs, food, and whatever else has been making us happy that year. The last two Novembers have been a bit different for me. What was I thankful for? Well, I had to dig deeper than most and just be grateful that I was a survivor or that anxiety and fear hadn't gotten the best of me (for the moment anyways). See, over the last two years, it has felt like I have constantly been battling the darkness. Just when I would feel like I was living in the light, the darkness would come in like waves crashing upon the seashore and send me back into a plight of doubt and confusion. Of course through it all, Jesus never let go and held on to me while I held back for dear life.  He was always faithful and always blessing me with his love and mercy. Jesus

Giving birth is an incredible experience, like none other. Throughout my pregnancy, Dan and I had tried to prepare ourselves for the arrival of our little guy. I thought I had a good idea of what was going to happen. We had a plan. We knew what we wanted, but nothing could have truly prepared me for June 11, 2014. Actually lets back up to June 9, 2014. Here's our story...         On Monday June 9 I was 41 weeks 3 days pregnant. I had fully expected to have met my son before now. I was so uncomfortable and impatient. How could he not be here yet?? I was constantly getting texts and calls checking to see if I had given birth yet. I was getting frustrated. I was not keeping the birth of my baby a secret from everyone! He was settled in and not seeming to want to come out. Throughout the weekend I had had some pretty strong contractions but nothing consistent. My parents had come on Sunday as they had planned on visiting a week old baby yet here they were with me so very pregnant

      Recently there has been a trending of hashtags #Yesallwomen, after the Santa Barbara killings where a young man went on a rampage murdering in the name of hate and revenge towards women. The idea is that not all men are sexual deviants, yet ALL women experience harassment or worse from men in their lives. I have been really impacted by reading these tweets and blogs out there where women have shared their stories of how violence and misogyny against women have affected them. My heart breaks for our broken world and what women all over this world experience on daily basis. The mistreatment and violence against women is at unbelievable rates. The tragedy is how society has reacted to the yes all women hashtags. So many have opposed the movement, calling it feminist and ridiculous. This blows my mind. This issue is incredibly personal to me, so I felt compelled to share my feelings on this issue.           Before September 8, 2012, I knew about violence against women. I understood

      Its been nearly 17 months since I was violently physically and sexually assaulted. They always say "time heals", however there are many days where I feel like that phrase is just rubbish. My mind tells me I should be in front of this. That this trial is in my past and I should be moving forward by now. I feel as though I should be ready to share my story as an overcomer or as a past victim giving purpose and meaning to those who are just recently experiencing such a tragedy. I've had months and months of counseling, read several books, been indulged in the scriptures, and started new joyful adventures since that day. However despite all of this some days it feels as though my circumstances stay the same and my heart aches as severely as it did in the first weeks, if not more.        My life has changed since September 8, 2012 in so many ways. I have a new apartment, new church, new friends and co-workers, and I have a beautiful baby boy on the way. I have experienc