Help My Unbelief

           Is all this really worth it? Is it worth all this pain and heartbreak? Is it worth my broken marriage and family? Is it worth all the loneliness and fear?  What if my battle with PTSD and anxiety never go away, is that worth it? Is there actual purpose to all of this chaos and brokenness? God, where are you redeeming any of it? I read your word and follow your will, yet do you actually sincerely care for me and my situation right now? Are you even listening with compassionate ears? Is this just some cruel test you are giving me? How am I supposed to keep living this way?  Let me be honest, I am regretful to say that all of these thoughts and questions were coming from me just two weeks ago. In the quietness of the midnight hour, I sat alone at my kitchen table staring blankly into my She Reads Truth Bible with tears streaming down my face. I "knew" all the right answers. For goodness sake, I have 2 Corinthians 4:17 taped to my bathroom mirror. Every morning I wake up and brush my teeth while I read "Our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us and eternal glory that far outweighs them all." Yet here I was doubting the character of my God and the purpose of my faith. I 'knew" all the right answers, yet they just felt so far out of reach. I, like the demon possessed boy's father in Mark 9, proclaimed  "I do believe, help my unbelief!"The doubts were coming in fast and hard as I prayed them up my God.

Lucas right before his surgery (Feb 7, 2018)

           Let me fast forward to just a few days later. I sat in the ENT doctor's office with my sons awaiting a consult for youngest's ears. He has had multiple ear infections over the last year which called for a referral to this doctor to check and see if inserting tubes was the right decision for him. The doctor looked at his chart, took one quick look in his ears and immediately said the surgery was absolutely necessary. However, there was one slight problem, he was not covered under our insurance. The doctor told me that he was not a provider and that if I tried to go through my insurance  my son wouldn't be helped for at least 8 or 9 months. In fact, he said that he would be very lucky to receive treatment at all. I sat there a bit mystified at what I was supposed to do and where to go from here. Tears welled in my eyes as I asked if that was my only option. I was at a loss. After a bit of confusing and awkward conversation, he looked directly at me and said " What I am trying to tell you is that I am going to completely cover your son's surgery at no cost to you. He needs this and I want to help him." My jaw dropped open with both shock and gratitude. I walked out of that appointment that Tuesday afternoon with a completely free surgery scheduled for 6am the next morning! 

         Y'all I am pretty sure that doesn't just happen. I found myself driving home in my van with tears flowing, feeling so humbled , grateful and with a renewed faith in my heavenly Father. He cared. Of course he cared! How could I doubt His goodness? This is not the first time I have experienced such an obvious and extreme sign of provision from the Lord. In fact this is not the second or even the third. I have a rich past of seeing God show up in some desperate situations and extravagantly make a way for me. I journal them, I praise him and then apparently I move on and forget way too easily. I have been reading through Exodus this month and boy do I find some strong parallels between me and those unfaithful Israelites. 

        In all of this, what hit me the most was that God in his graciousness chose to show me his unwavering character and rid my doubt when I deserved it the least.  I was reflecting on this entire situation and found myself being in awe of how kind He was to provide for me and Lucas. I kept thinking how he could have rebuked me harshly and "put me in my place".  He probably should have actually. But instead, he so graciously and so kindly spoke to me and said, I am right here. I am working. I know you forget, but  I will keep reminding you because that's how much I love you. He showed me that He is the most faithful husband and the most perfect father. What a good God He truly is. He provided for me and made a way not at all because  I was faithful, but because he is. THIS my friends, is the Gospel. We were sinners, undeserving and wretched, yet in his kindness and love  he came down and chose to love us and make a way of sweet relationship with him possible through Jesus. We can look to ourselves and find no reason whatsoever that we should receive such grace. When I doubted and questioned his character, his response was with lavishing me with a beautiful gift.   Paul David Trip says " You don't have to hide in guilt when weak faith gets you off the path because your hope in life isn't in your faithfulness, but in His". Amen and Amen. 

That next morning as I sat in the waiting room at the outpatient surgery center sipping my coffee, I bowed my head and said a prayer of thanksgiving. I not only thanked him for providing for my son's health that day, but more importantly, I thanked him for the beauty of the Gospel. "While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8. So I hope my regospelization ( I may have made that word up) is  encouraging to someone else today. I've heard it been said that we need to preach the gospel to ourselves more than to others.  Especially to those of us, who know the goodness of our God, have seen it with our own two eyes over and over again and are still whispering up prayers of doubt. May we rest in the fact that his grace is enough to carry us through and inevitably when God does kindly humble us with the reminder of who He is, may we repent and worship with all that we are. He is worth it. 

.