Cry of My Heart

      Recently there has been a trending of hashtags #Yesallwomen, after the Santa Barbara killings where a young man went on a rampage murdering in the name of hate and revenge towards women. The idea is that not all men are sexual deviants, yet ALL women experience harassment or worse from men in their lives. I have been really impacted by reading these tweets and blogs out there where women have shared their stories of how violence and misogyny against women have affected them. My heart breaks for our broken world and what women all over this world experience on daily basis. The mistreatment and violence against women is at unbelievable rates. The tragedy is how society has reacted to the yes all women hashtags. So many have opposed the movement, calling it feminist and ridiculous. This blows my mind. This issue is incredibly personal to me, so I felt compelled to share my feelings on this issue.           Before September 8, 2012, I knew abou...

      Its been nearly 17 months since I was violently physically and sexually assaulted. They always say "time heals", however there are many days where I feel like that phrase is just rubbish. My mind tells me I should be in front of this. That this trial is in my past and I should be moving forward by now. I feel as though I should be ready to share my story as an overcomer or as a past victim giving purpose and meaning to those who are just recently experiencing such a tragedy. I've had months and months of counseling, read several books, been indulged in the scriptures, and started new joyful adventures since that day. However despite all of this some days it feels as though my circumstances stay the same and my heart aches as severely as it did in the first weeks, if not more.        My life has changed since September 8, 2012 in so many ways. I have a new apartment, new church, new friends and co-workers, and I have a beautiful baby bo...

It's Christmastime! Its the most wonderful time of the year!  This is a season I have just fallen more and more in love with over the years. I have always enjoyed the festivities of the holiday yet my level of enjoyment increased dramatically after beginning to date Dan during the holidays in 2008. Now every year since then I can fondly think of the memories of us just getting to know each other. I remember the nerves and excitement that came with each moment together, watching Christmas movies, going to see Christmas lights, and skiing. I had no idea what our future would hold but there was something incredibly intriguing about being around this man. Then in 2010, my excitement about the holidays heightened once again as Dan got down on one knee in front of a beautiful 40ft Christmas Tree and asked me to be his wife. I look back to that year and remember the elation at the real prospect of beginning a life forever with him and entering into this very new and very exciting stage of...

          It's hard to believe that one year has passed since my attack. Everything has changed. My life was turned upside down last September 8th. This has been the hardest year of my life by far. As I sat down to reflect on how to write a blog to commemorate this anniversary, so many thoughts and ideas came to my mind that I had a hard time organizing them into a focused and concise blog thus resulting in a hodgepodge of thoughts thrown together! Enjoy!         I have spent much of this past week reminiscing about the memories that surrounded last September. Although there are so many graphic and painful memories that flood my mind, I am also encouraged by those that are positive and joyful. I must hold on to and remember the ways that God protected me and provided for me. Last December I wrote a blog listing out the miracles that I have found through the tragedy. If you haven't read that yet, here is the link http://ashleyeballard.blogsp...

Being real  with God. It just makes sense. He can read every thought and knows every emotion. He created our beings and knows the inner workings of our heart, mind and soul. He knows we are finite and He is infinite, yet why do we feel like we have got to have all the right theological answers and responses when calamity comes our way? Over the last year I've been faced with two major trials in my life. God has been revealing to me more and more that I need to break down all the barriers and come to Him broken and without answers. It's okay to be really real! I'm allowed to ask hard questions and be frustrated and confused by the answer or lack of answers. In fact, I am supposed to be. The last year has taken a lot of my theology and tested it and broken it (see previous entry Broken Theology). I've experienced a lot of pain and heartache and for sometime I thought I needed to have it all together. I wanted to understand everything biblically and accurately. I was enc...

            Today is my 27th birthday. I have always loved birthdays and thought they were special. I have always celebrated my birthday by reflecting on the past year of my life. However this birthday feels different than all the others. This year I appreciate my birthday more than ever before. Maybe this is because I understand, in a more complex way, the beauty of life. I understand that birthdays are never a guarantee. I understand that every year, every month, every week and every day of life is truly a gift from God that we far too often take for granted. I am hit by the reality that I could not have made it to this birthday. My number could have been up at 26. The truth is though that reality has been true every year of my life, this is the first year I have truly contemplated it and not taken it for granted. During my 26th year, I lost the life of our precious baby and nearly lost my own life as well. How much more so do I realize that life is beaut...

Definition of Fear: An unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.             I have experienced this unpleasant emotion way too often in the past months. I had begun to think that I had conquered fear and that I was on an upswing in that area. However I began new counseling in April and through this counseling I quickly discovered that fear still had a strong grip on my life. Through much talking, I learned that I am most fearful of what could happen to me in the future. I found myself saying "that I could never handle anything like this again" . I found myself saying " There is no way I would be prepared or strong enough to go through another traumatizing experience". It occurred to me that I have absolutely no control over and no guarantee that I will not have anything else happen to me again. This thought paralyzed me with fear.  However, God reminded me of a conversation...