Cry of My Heart

     You know those people who pick a word for the year and then stick with it and live by it over the next 12 months? You know those people who have it all together, have some intense focus and are able to commit to one topic for an entire year? Yeah, I am not those people. I have never understood how to do such a thing. It’s just one word, how could this be that hard. The truth is that resolutions have never been my thing and maybe that’s because January tends to be a really hard month for me to get motivated in. This year I started off with the stomach flu given to me by my 2 year old who had a nasty case of it the day before.. There was very little rest and health happening that first week of January. While others were posting about crushing 2019, I could barely lift my head up,  forgetting to feed and clothe my  own  children,  let alone have time to start crushing goals.  I think we all know when we are physically down and out it doesn’t take much of a stretch to become emotion

Today should have been my 7th wedding anniversary, but here I am on June 18, 2018 not 7 years married, but 4 months divorced. My heart races as I actually type that sentence. I never dreamed for a minute that would be how life turned out. This is for sure not the story I would have ever written. I thought I had an amazing marriage. I had prayed and fasted fervently before choosing a husband. I had such peace and assurance from the Lord that this was ordained by Him. We had gone through significant trauma together in the first 18 months of marriage that I thought had only strengthened our marriage and brought us closer to God and each other.  I had dreamed of growing old together, watching our kids grow up, and changing the world through the ministry God would give us.  It's how it should have been, but not how it is. Lately, all the "should have beens" have been racing through my mind like a dramatic movie.          Last Monday was my son's 4th birthday. I hosted a

           Is all this really worth it? Is it worth all this pain and heartbreak? Is it worth my broken marriage and family? Is it worth all the loneliness and fear?  What if my battle with PTSD and anxiety never go away, is that worth it? Is there actual purpose to all of this chaos and brokenness? God, where are you redeeming any of it? I read your word and follow your will, yet do you actually sincerely care for me and my situation right now? Are you even listening with compassionate ears? Is this just some cruel test you are giving me? How am I supposed to keep living this way?  Let me be honest, I am regretful to say that all of these thoughts and questions were coming from me just two weeks ago. In the quietness of the midnight hour, I sat alone at my kitchen table staring blankly into my She Reads Truth Bible with tears streaming down my face. I "knew" all the right answers. For goodness sake, I have 2 Corinthians 4:17 taped to my bathroom mirror. Every morning I wak

Lamentations 3:18, 21-24 Then I thought, "My future is lost as well as my hope from the Lord. . Yet I call this to mind and therefore I have hope. Because of the Lord's faithful love, we do not perish, for his mercies never end. They are new every morning and great is your faithfulness. I say the Lord is my portion therefore I will put my hope in him". I opened up to this passage this morning and the words leapt off the page at me and pierced my heart. No better words could be spoken to me on this day. I am a person who remembers dates and anniversaries better than most. I find dates to be meaningful and tend to look back in nostalgia at certain dates in my life. I just adore the "On this day" feature on facebook as it allows me to go back in time and see what was going on in my life on this exact day up to 11 years ago! I can barely remember what I was doing last week at this time let alone years and years ago. It always gives me a chuckle to see what I t

      Last year on my 30th birthday  after a long family fun day at Sea World, I tucked in my sweet boys, kissed my husband goodnight and journaled about how I looked forward to my 30's. I wasn't upset or dreading that birthday like some friends of mine. However I embraced my 30's because I looked with expectation that this decade would be one of stability, security and self discovery. I had hoped that the constant identity shifts, seasons of suffering, discouragement and uncertainty of my 20's were things of the past. Little did I know that my first year in my 30's would actually be the complete antithesis of what I had hoped for and journaled about. In fact this was the most uncertain and most unstable year of my life. 31st Birthday with Jude and Luke     As I turned 31 yesterday, I looked back in reflection upon what this last year held for me. It wasn't pretty. In fact most days I still wake up pinching myself to see if this is real life, just hoping t

              It’s hard to believe that three years have passed since I was so shockingly attacked doing ministry in my own apartment complex.  “Time heals “is what they say. I’ve been contemplating that phrase for a while now.  Does time really heal? Well I can testify that as more distance is put between that awful day and the present, it doesn’t make it any less traumatic or heartbreaking. It still hurts and there are still scars that are easily seen and felt. There are still tears that are shed and obstacles to overcome. However, as I look back on the last few years and compare to how I feel today, I notice that the tears are fewer and farther between, my anxiety is less and there is more peace in my heart. Is this because of time? I am unsure.  Maybe we give time too much credit. I believe that first and foremost, Jesus gets the credit for holding me together throughout these years. Without Him by my side, speaking his love and grace over me, I would have crumbled to pieces ye